As an intranational blessed selling author, people often ask me — how are you so right all the time and never wrong? What’s your secret? What are you hiding? What’s up with you, man?
Well, now I’m spilling the beans — figuratively and literally as I appear to have spilled some beans on my laptop. Below, exclusively for subscribers of my newsletter, I have shared my possibly legal (EMPLOY AT YOUR OWN RISK CONSULT A LAWYER OR THERAPIST) techniques for winning any argument with anyone ever even when you’re wrong and have no idea what you’re talking about.
Now you have the power!
Argument by never shutting up
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. It is also extremely common. Just never shut up. Never stop talking. Not even for a second. Not even to breathe. Not for any reason at all. Never let your opponent say anything. Wear them down. Just talk and talk and talk forever. Doesn’t matter what you’re saying. No one’s listening at this point. Just talk. Eventually, they’ll give up and you will have won.
The only danger is if someone else employs this strategy against you. Then it becomes a battle of wills. Extremely obnoxious wills. But I believe in you!
Argument by blammo!
This is most prevalent in the US, where everyone is packing heat. I mean, you have to! Everyone is packing heat. You don’t want to be the only person without a Tommy gun when the shooting starts.
To employ this argument, simply draw your firearm and discharge it in the air. You can scream or say something like, “I can’t take it anymore!” Make sure you empty your clip so the strength of your conviction shines through.
The Malthusian argument
This has fallen out of favor recently with the explosion of the world population but can still be effective in the right context. Just start saying, “Hmm, that’s so Malthusian.” Do it in a very suggestive way. Touch your neck, your wrists, your collar bone and say, “Oh, mmm, yes, very Malthusiaaaan.”
Really draw it out. Roll it around your tongue. Malthuuuuusian. Malthuuuuusiaaaaan. Lick your lips. Stroke you hair. Slither your tongue across your teeth. Maaaaalthuuuusiaaaaaaan.
I don’t think anyone’s going to argue with you after that.
The “your mom” argument
This is perhaps the oldest tactic of argumentation recorded in human history. Still, it’s no less effective. When your opponent says something like, “Why, you’ve contradicted yourself,” simply respond, “Your mom contradicts herself.” If they say things like “Straw man” or “Slippery slope” just say, “Your mom’s a straw man.” Or your mom’s slope is slippery.”
Many times, this will introduce people to a history of their mom they were not aware of. They’ll be so grateful for your insights, they’ll usually thank you and concede the argument.
The “my daddy” argument
This is the inverse of the “your mom” argument. It is employed thusly. You say, “Well, my daddy is a (whatever), and he (does whatever you’re arguing about) and you are totally wrong.” Obviously, you need to replace this with the profession your daddy actually occupies. Congressman, exotic dancer, personal injury lawyer, marine sniper, oyster shucker, etc. If your dad doesn’t really occupy a relevant profession or is a total deadbeat, that’s no problem. It’s okay to lie and exaggerate here — what, does this person you’re arguing with know your dad?
Argument by birthday
This is my favorite. Just sit down, hug your knees, start crying and say, “It’s my birthday, man. It’s my birthday. I really need a win. Just let me have this, man. I don’t have anything going on. I need something in my life.”
This will usually make your opponent so uncomfortable they’ll back off.
Ad hominem
This is one of the most maligned forms of argumentation (irony much?) but also the most successful. Just start cussing out your opponent. Get real nasty. Go for the jugular.
Just make sure you don’t do this against someone who employs argument by blammo! because they might not point their gun in the air.
Argument by Thriftway
This one’s pretty specific. I knew a man once and every conversation I had with this guy always wound its way back to a vacant storefront around the block from him, and what a good location it would be for a Thriftway.
He was so surprised that a Thriftway or some other grocery store wouldn’t go there. His eyes would take on a wistful sheen and he’d wax about how convenient it would be for him to have a Thriftway so close. Every conversation, no matter where it started, always got to the subject of Thriftway. At about this point, inevitably, I’d be desperate for an exit — from the conversation, the room, the building, my life.
It always worked to drive me insane. So maybe it’ll work on your opponents too?
Argument by backflip
It doesn’t have to be a backflip, but it should be something equally as impressive and athletic. While your opponent is spouting their stupid words — what even are “words,” who even cares anymore — do something awesome, like a backflip. Or a handstand. Or ... or a backflip that lands in a handstand.
I guess a somersault’s okay.
Maybe you can balance on a ball or juggle something?
Argument by nudity
This one requires you to lock eyes with your opponent. Then, as they’re talking, slowly start removing articles of clothing. Make it subtle, but sustained. Make sure there’s no way that they can miss what’s happening. They’ll usually catch on by the time you get to your underpants.
If that doesn’t interrupt their train of thought, I don’t know what will. But make sure you’re willing to commit. If your opponent pulls an uno reverso on you and also employs argument by nudity, things could get spicy! So, really, there’s absolutely no downsides
Argument by possum
Feign death. Drop to the floor, curl into a ball. It’ll be worth any injuries you sustain.
I don’t know if you’ll exactly win this argument, but you’ll win in the sense that the argument will be over.
Unless they keep talking, because honestly, sometimes that also happens. It’s possible your opponent is employing argument by never shutting up. They might not even notice you curled up in a ball, trying to roll away.
Also, be careful if your opponent is employing argument by blammo!, because they might pump a few rounds into you just to make sure you’re actually dead.
Hegelian dialectics
Hegel is basically the Game Genie of argumentation. Nobody knows what Hegelian means, but they know whoever says it first wins. If both people say it at the same time, then you have to say it faster and louder. Yell at the top of your lungs: “Hegel, Hegel, Hegel! Hegelian! Hegelian! Hegelian!”
Eventually, your opponent will see the superiority of your ways and concede.
Argument by “sure, why not”
As flawlessly established by my prior assertions, no one is really listening to anyone else anyway. So just say, “Sure, why not?” every time your opponent comes to a natural pause. They might think they’ve won the argument, but in your mind, you’ll know you weren’t ever listening and never gave a shit.
You preserved your attention, which according to YouTube, is the most valuable commodity on Earth.
Argument by poor hygiene
This one requires some preparation. First, work up a sweat. Do some hot yoga. Hike up a mountain. Read the news and let the stress sweat gush out of you. Make sure you don’t wear any deodorants, perfumes, or pleasantly scented self-care products.
Then, consume the most odorous provisions you can come up with. I’m talking sardines and bean dip. Tangy bries and sauerkraut. If you’re allergic to gluten, eat a loaf of bread. If you’re lactose intolerant, drink a gallon of milk.
Then, during the debate, just stand there sweating and farting and stinking and belching, exuding this horrific miasma of stench. Try and clear the room.
I doubt anyone’s going to want to talk to you or even look you in the eye after all that.
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