Anna: Hey, Lisa, could you check with the landlord and see if we can get a blackout period for the cameras? I've seen some leases where the cameras go off for certain periods, usually at night.
Lisa: Hi Anna!
First, would you mind using the term housing provider? “Landlord” is an old-fashioned term, and it’s a little disrespectful to someone allowing you to stay in their property. Some people consider it a hate slur.
Anna: Oh. Yeah, sorry. No problem. Wasn’t my intention.
Lisa: Thanks! Let me check about the blackout period.
…
Sorry. We have to keep the cameras on to protect the housing provider’s property. You understand certain damages could occur, and without the provider being able to surveil, well, he needs to be able to take care of his property. Right?
Anna: Right. Okay. Then could I get an AI screening program? To cover me up when I’m naked. I mean, I'll probably be in a bathrobe or a towel when I get out of the shower, but still, I'm not entirely comfortable with the land—housing provider being able to see me naked.
Lisa: I'll see what we can do.
…
Okay, so sorry, the housing provider isn't willing to budge on this one. You have to understand, part of the reason that the rent is so low on this property is that the housing provider really liked the photos you provided with your application package. And, you know, part of that entails the housing provider being able to watch you as you go about your business. If you like, we could try and raise the rent, and maybe then that could pay for an AI screener?
Anna: No, no, I need the rent to stay where it is. It’s on the edge of what I can afford already.
Lisa: Okay… Oh, I just got another message from the housing provider. He said no to any screeners blocking your nudity around the house. But he said he would be willing to apply an AI screener if you have any visitors and engage in intimate activities. Unless they're female visitors. That's very generous.
Anna: Well, um, yeah, my boyfriend would probably be coming over at times, so yeah, I'll take the AI screener. Could you add that to the lease?
Lisa: Sure, no problem.
Anna: So, I just want to be clear on this point. Can I get an AI screener for when I'm on the toilet?
Lisa: I'm sorry, the housing provider isn't going to agree to that. He needs full camera access.
Anna: I mean, does he really think I'm going to damage his toilet?
Lisa: Well, it doesn't matter if he thinks it or not. Just for liability reasons, he needs to have video access.
Anna: Yeah…okay. Based on what you just said about my photos, it’s hard to believe this is because of liability or whatever.
Lisa: Like I said, you're getting a great deal here. It's a really good property, and these are, I've seen a lot of leases, and these are really very minor inconveniences.
Anna: I know, I know. In my last apartment, the landlord. Sorry! Housing provider had rights to come in at any time and watch what I was doing in person. I hated when he would come in at night to watch me sleep. Any time I heard a noise I thought it was the doorknob clicking.
Lisa: Yes. In-person spot audits are very common. That's why I think this is really a great deal for you. The cameras are all concealed. It might feel a little odd the first couple of days, but pretty soon you won't even notice. You'll just forget that anyone's watching you at all. Besides, this housing provider owns hundreds of properties. He probably won't even be watching you all that much. He has plenty to keep him occupied.
Anna: Oh, well, that's good, I guess. Okay, so can I get any information on who the la—housing provider is?
Lisa: I’m sorry. Due to the Providers Protection Act, information on housing providers is private. Did you know that housing providers are some of the most victimized groups in the country?
Anna: That doesn't surprise me.
Lisa: It's true. So, for everyone's protection, it's better that you not know.
Anna: Okay, but if I need to make a complaint or get something fixed, how do I contact them?
Lisa: You can contact your housing provider through this online portal. The Rentier AI system will be happy to address any concerns you have, but I should be clear, you probably won't want to be making very many complaints, because, like I said, this is a really good deal. And no housing provider likes a complaining tenant. If you're concerned about minor fixes, we recommend that renters perform their own repairs and maintenance.
Anna: So, that was going to be my next question. Here, when we look at this clause about eviction, I don't have any protections. There's no...nothing. It says, 32.1, “The housing provider reserves the right to evict the tenant at any time without cause.”
Does that really mean what I think it means?
Lisa: Yes. It means that should the housing provider no longer wish you occupying their property, you will have to vacate the premises immediately. Anna: What do you mean immediately?
Lisa: According to the Providers Protection Act, tenants have 24 hours to vacate an occupied property. Any longer, and the police will conduct an eviction by force.
Anna: 24 hours to move all my stuff out? That's ridiculous.
Lisa: I'm sorry, but the law is clear on this. You have to understand that if a renter begins posing a danger to a housing provider's property, that can present a serious financial risk to the housing provider. Obviously, providing housing is a crucial social service and so protecting housing stock is of the utmost importance for everyone.
Anna: Alright, how about this? What if we had a cause? Like, if I'm being noisy, or if I'm late on the rent? That I understand. But being evicted for no cause is kind of ridiculous.
Lisa: I'll check.
…
Sorry, the housing provider isn't willing to budge. But they have offered to increase your notice from 24 to 48 hours. And let me point out that in the event of an emergency eviction, your rent will be prorated for the time that you're not living in the property.
Anna: Okay, well, I guess that's good. I’ll still be sleeping in my car. So…so, what about the security deposit? It says it's non-refundable.
Lisa: That's correct. The security deposit is a sunk cost of renting. Inevitably, damage accrues to the property. Therefore, it is not incumbent upon the housing provider to return the security deposit.
Anna: So you're saying that I could sign this lease, move in, get evicted, and instantly lose my security deposit?
Lisa: Legally, yes, that is possible, but it almost never happens to a respectful and obedient tenant. Here's a link to the review page for your housing provider.
Anna: They have a 2.8 star average of five hundred reviews. That’s not really reassuring.
Lisa: If you compare it to the average for housing providers, you’ll see this is actually one of the highest rated housing providers in the state.
Anna:
…
Oh wow. It really is. Do you think I could negotiate a partial return of the security deposit? If I lose it…that’s all my savings.
Lisa: I'm afraid this is not up for negotiation. As you know, with the increase in crime and the low reliability of renters, it is of the utmost importance that housing providers be able to protect and pay for the damages accrued to their properties.
Anna: I guess there's nothing I can do. This housing market sucks.
Lisa: It's a tough one, haha. You're lucky you found this place.
Anna: All right, so what's this laundry clause?
Lisa: So, you'll notice that the building has included laundry. This is a service generously gifted by your housing provider.
Anna: So they'll do my laundry?
Lisa: Yes! The laundry is done in the building.
Anna: And now, what is this confiscation clause?
Lisa: Right. So, as payment for having your laundry done on the premises, the housing provider reserves the right to confiscate certain clothing items. Now these won't be large amounts, and it won't be all the time, but you may notice certain items of clothing are absent when the laundry is returned.
Anna: Can you elaborate on that?
Lisa: What kind of clarification do you need?
Anna: Uh, what kinds of items are we talking about going missing here?
Lisa: These would be small, sundry items. Items that would tend to accrue pungency.
Anna: Oh god.
Lisa: And to clarify; they won’t be going missing. They’ll be confiscated as a form of payment. If you refuse to use the provided laundry services, that will be considered a breach of payment.
Anna: Some of my clothes are kind of nice. That could get expensive.
Lisa: Okay, let me just get some clarification from the housing provider.
…
Okay, the housing provider has agreed to confiscate…to limit the value of confiscated items to $50 per month. Is that acceptable?
Anna: Sure, I guess that’s worth getting the free laundry, but could you just check and see if maybe I can get that $50 to come out of the rent? I mean, you know, it's a tough economy, and every little bit matters.
Lisa: Let me check.
…
Okay, so the housing provider has come up with a rather interesting proposition. He says that he is willing to reduce the rent by $100 per month, provided you wear certain items he will provide to then be confiscated in the laundry.
Anna: Can I see the list of items?
Lisa: Yes. Here's the link he sent me.
Anna: Christ. Well, that's not surprising. Um, okay. Can I veto some of these items?
Lisa: Let me check.
…
Why don't you go through the list, cross out any you're not comfortable with, and then send it back to me.
Anna: Okay, just give me a minute.
…
Alright, here's the new list.
Lisa: Great. I'll send that to the housing provider.
…
Hey, he's agreed! You just lowered your rent.
Anna: Hooray.
Lisa: Alright, that knocks you down to $4,900 per month. That's not bad for a studio.
Anna: No, it's pretty good. So, this next clause is about maintenance. It says that I'm going to have to contribute to the maintenance of the garden section?
Lisa: Ah yes. So, as you've noticed, the building has some lovely gardens around it. As part of your standard upkeep and maintenance, you're required to weed, water, fertilize, and harvest fruits and flowers from the gardens.
Anna: That sounds like a lot of work.
Lisa: It's standard building maintenance. If you lived in an area with snow, you would salt and shovel the walkways and parking lots.
Anna: …um. This is a little different. How many hours of labor are we talking about?
Lisa: Most tenants can get it done in about 10 hours a week. For the elderly and infirm, it can take a little longer. But the vending machines in the lobby have a number of stimulants and painkillers at very reasonable prices.
Anna: 10 hours a week??? That's like a part time job.
Lisa: That's just the average. Some people work quickly and can get it done in closer to 5 to 6 hours.
Anna: 5 to 6 hours a week? And you're saying there's no compensation for this?
Lisa: No, it's just part of the standard upkeep and maintenance of the building. Like mowing the lawn. Or raking leaves.
Anna: But it's not mowing the lawn or raking leaves or shoveling snow. It's agricultural work.
Lisa: This is a standard clause. If you are permitted to live in a property, you're expected to be part of its upkeep. And these gardens are very beautiful.
Anna: Can we do anything there? I mean, I'd almost be willing to pay more in rent to not have to go out and work in the gardens.
Lisa: Let me check.
…
Hmm.
Well, the housing provider is willing to negotiate the maintenance of the garden if you're willing to put a few more items back on the list to be worn for the laundry.
Anna: Are you kidding me? Fine. I’ll wear anything on the list. Just, I don’t want to be working in the gardens. I’d rather be hoeing than weeding.
Lisa: Sorry, I didn’t get that. Did you want me to—
Anna: Just see if I can get out of the garden work if I wear these stupid clothes.
Lisa: Okay…
…
Okay! The housing provider has agreed. You’re getting a great deal.
Anna: I’m sure. Okay, last question.
What is this Risk Analysis Tracking and Mitigation clause?
Lisa: Yes, the RATM is now becoming standard in most leases. Obviously, the housing provider needs to be able to keep track of when you enter and leave the building. And of course, he'll need to know where you're going, what you're doing, who you’re meeting with, etc., so he can continuously monitor and evaluate the risk that you pose to his property. The RATM involves the implantation of an unobtrusive microchip in your jaw as part of the leasing procedure. It’s entirely painless and can be done with a simple injection. There may be some mild swelling, bleeding, and headaches. We recommend avoiding solid food the first few days after implantation.
Anna: And this thing tracks everywhere I go?
Lisa: Yes. And monitors your conversations and vital signs. For example, to see if you’re talking to any known low-credit individuals or consuming substances associated with increased incidents of property damage.
Anna: That sounds like I’m a prisoner.
Lisa: It’s actually quite liberating. With the housing provider being able to monitor you at all times, you no longer need to fill out weekly activity reports and there’s no possibility of liability for you if a discrepancy in your activity report is found. Just like the cameras, it can feel strange at first, but in a few days the swelling goes down, you learn to ignore the electrical feedback, and you forget the RATM is even there.
Anna: I do hate filling out those reports. But this is a lot. Is there any way to get the lease without being microchipped?
Lisa: I’m afraid not. But, RATM chips will soon be required for any activity that involves essential service providers. Education providers, healthcare providers, employment providers, entertainment providers, all need to protect their property and limit their liability, and so they'll all soon require RATM chips. If you get one now, you won't need to get one later; the chips can interface and share collected data with the provider network. And, as an early adopter, you'll be enrolled to receive special offers and valuable coupons to goods and services, including a free brewed coffee after implantation and 10% off your entire grocery bill at any participating food provider.
Anna: …
I mean. What choice do I have?
Lisa: None, if you want housing. Haha.
Anna: Okay. Sure. I’ll sign the lease.
Lisa: Fantastic! Please click the scheduling link below to make your implantation appointment for the RATM chip. We'll also take the standard urine, stool, blood, and gene samples and perform a low-hazard millimeter wave scan. And we can get you fitted for those special laundry items you agreed to.
Anna: Great. I’ll make sure they’re nice and pungent.
Lisa: Your housing provider will appreciate that.
he's done it again... bile churning. hyperbole of dystopian orwellian futures just round the corner...
Non-fiction